So, I just found out that my high school crush got married for the first time after a over 10 year relationship. They, along with several other crushes I’ve ruined, don’t even think about me anymore. Unfortunately for me, this is my biggest shadow and biggest demon. I don’t know if I was rejected either enough or too much growing up, but for some reason, these particular cast of characters stay in my head. I’ve been meditating A LOT in the past year or so, and tbh the news I found today I wasn’t ready for last year or so. I know I wasn’t ready for it because I completely forgot about it, because I now remember my therapist at the time asking me about her and I got curious and looked her up and found out about it right around the time it happened. I tend to do this when an event that has occurred to me it to “traumatic” for me to handle, so I literally discard it forever. Mentally speaking, of course, because the main demon is me not moving on from these experiences, but instead I stayed in a constant state of disassociated limerence, having many moments of “this is love” happening and the demon grows as those relationships fade away, never reaching their fullest potential because I am always more worried about holding on from afar versus just diving in with them. Sometimes, I was holding on from the top and they were pulling down and I couldn’t tell until it was too late and they fell into the water and I stayed safe. The opposite also happened, and those hurt worse.

So, to do my best to fight this demon, along with my many other demons, I started meditating. And truly doing everything I can to just focus on my breath and breath. I’ve been at it a whole year consistently, and I am so used to doing it and now I notice a significant difference in how I react to external stimuli versus how I did so before. I’m not perfect. However, it isn’t a perfect; it’s a practice. And thus I practice every day. I’m slowly learning how to plan for short term goals and execute on those goals. This blog is a perfect example of that and regardless of how much traction I get, I am truly blessed to have it.

Blessing are just a good way to indicate gratitude. I’m blessed to have a good group of friends that I can enjoy playing board games with. I am blessed that my mother is doing the best she has done in a while, and I continue to look forward to her progress, regardless of how much her presence affects me emotionally. I am blessed to have a step mom who is in my corner, as well as a 90 year old great aunt that would fight for me until the end if she had it in her. I am blessed to be anticipating a job, and one that pays enough for me to live some, as well as hobbies that I pay into and those that pay me.

I am grateful to be able to be healthy enough to go to the gym as often as I go. My body has slowly been changing, and I’ve been making adjustments to my routine until I found one that works for me, and I have a goal to at least see my six pack before my birthday. I want to go on a cruise for my birthday, and I’ve come to realize that the sooner I can afford it and can get the tickets, I should so I can have something I look forward to as I transition into my 3rd decade as a human.

I’m grateful for how much I’ve learned about myself recently. If it wasn’t for my current therapist and my own dedication to find my truth, I wouldn’t have been able to make so much progress. And now, combined with finances to give me a well supported life, I am hoping to keep up this momentum as I transition into a me most true. I need to give love to myself and however I find that is what matters, regardless if it’s rational. And I also need to not be scared of what love in my heart brings me to do. I need to learn to ride those waves and enjoys those tides instead of maybe dipping my toes into the water and never taking a swim. I also need to learn to not just start swimming with someone who just isn’t interested. That is an old habit that is going to die.

I have a lot to be grateful for right now, and I don’t want to ever forget it. I’ve forgotten it before many times, and maybe my portions have become morsels, but I’ve learned to be grateful for all of it, because it is so much better having a little you can love and cherish versus a lot you can’t even grasp to feel love for. Thank you for reading and have a good day.