To put it simply, my roommates moved out earlier that expected and my rent for the next month or two will not change. I am in a unique position where as soon as I get home, I am guaranteed to be alone. I am not going to lie: it’s a weird feeling. It’s sort of hallmarks me as an adult in a way but I still feel like a child in many other ways. My perspective on a lot of things (from how I work and how I approach work, to how I see myself) has changed a lot in the past year or so. It’s might even change again in another year or so. That is the nature of life itself.

It feels kinda peaceful, in a way. I know what around me begins and ends with me and I am in full control over it. I am also the most responsible for everything around me, without a doubt. There is still stuff to clean up since they left, but ultimately I dictate when it gets done or not. No one else has to deal with it, and I can choose to wait until I can deal with it or wait until I can no longer stand it as is. I don’t know about you, but that is kind of nice. Not having anyone see me for hours at a time used to sound like a lonely time. But now I have accepted it as my alone time. And it’s really nice.

I also use to feel really anxious when I met or interacted with new people. Fact is, I still feel that way sometimes. However, as grateful as I am for my current friends and do not express this towards them in any way, I’ve come to realize that I might really suck as a person, but I also can realize that so do most people I meet. It’s extremely, EXTREMELY rare for me to find someone who clicks with me mentally, physically, and emotionally. Most people reject me. Some people tolerate me. Few like me. No one loves me. And the last person who might have I pushed away by being an idiot and oblivious and not “being a man”.

I’ve come to grips that I act so much not like a man that I am probably not one at all. I don’t mean I am a woman (def no) but I do feel empowered and more comfort in the idea of non-binary for sure. I may dress more masc than fem, but I don’t act like men do and anytime I ever have I felt fake and way more anxious than I needed to be. It’s unfortunate for me living in Florida and having discovered this due to the climate of this state and how many unhealed individuals are here (so fucking many, including myself unfortunately) on top of how many people are anti-LGBTQ+.

I could dissect the reasons why if I wanted to. Talk about my emotionally absent childhood, all talk but not action and all that. Could delve into my teenage years when no one could or was willing to show me what it takes to be a man and the only people who could never had my best interest in mind. Could talk about how negative I view masculine figures and the patriarchy as a whole. Could talk about how I cried to someone I thought was cute asking me if I was gay (they was a girl). I have a lot of reasons why I ended up this way.

But that doesn’t matter. I am almost 30 and none of that matters anymore. All that matters is that I just decide to live in my truth. To truly absorb the idea that I am non-binary. To breath it, to exist in it and to enjoy it. But, I live in Florida and even the non-binary people here still act like their dead gender or whatnot. Maybe I am not making myself look interesting enough to find myself in the spaces I want to be in, and I am working on that. I have thoughts and ideas and want to shape my body, mind and soul to resonate with this truth.

But I also am scared that I am only doing this because it will get me more attention. That me acting fem but looking masc needs to be labeled so people can finally figure me out. But, truth is, no one ever care enough about me to figure me out. They only waited for me to tell them who I am and trusted me when I said it. So, fuck you guys, I’m non-binary. And I live alone in an apartment and I am comfortable in the skin that believes that enough to fall asleep peacefully tonight. Maybe I’ll experiment with makeup? Maybe I’ll finally split my tongue like I always wanted to do since I was a teen? Maybe I’ll tattoo MY FACE!? Maybe all those things will happen. Maybe none of them will. It’s my life and I decide that this is who I am. Thank you for reading and have a good day.