Before going to deep, I just want you to know that no matter where you come from, whether you are an individual who is closely related to these circumstances or someone who has never read my blog before, this is a safe space. For everyone, especially me. So, when I get really into the nuances of dating culture, just try and empathize. I am not applauding myself or being overly critical. Just stating my feelings and my actions. Also, all names will be fake and details will be vague for anonymity.

So, I recently met two individuals at a recent event I attended. I have never been to this particular event, but I figured because it involves the same hobby I usually do weekly, I figured I would attend (and also it was a Saturday and I was itching to go out). One of these individuals was a women I was interested in (lets call her Tayna) and a guy we got along with (lets call him Kyle). Tayna and I bonded over stressful work environments that had similar structures of malpractice and, though we texted very little, she showed up to another event I invited her to and then after that, asked me to do something with her on Friday night six days after we met. Before she asked me this, my battery died and I didn’t have anyone around for a quick jump and decided to walk my battery over to the auto store so they can charge and test it in case it is a bad battery. So, I wasn’t able to drive over and meet her anywhere (I would’ve been at MTG otherwise) so I suggested we do something she wants to do because I wanted to know her more. So she said escape room, I bought the tickets because she is driving me, all kosher.

After I got done talking to Tanya about solidifying plans, I told Kyle about it because he witnessed when we first met and was sort of pushing me to do it because he “saw our chemistry” and told me he would “try to jump in 6 months if I fumble”. He also had a lot of negative comments about women in general, but I overlooked that; unfortunately, most men are like this and I want to believe I can lead by example. So I was talking to him the entire time and he was supporting me through it. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting it to be much and figured because she said she had a boyfriend, she was only looking for platonic but Kyle had me me thinking in difference perspectives so I keep my opinions open.

The escape room was fun, though we were overtime. During it, we were so focused on the puzzle, but there were times where I was trying to establish a physical connection in innocent playful ways and I don’t really think that got through at at. We were just zoned in. There were maybe two moments where she mentioned her thighs and legs as we had playful banter about hiking, which is her biggest hobby, and we talked a lot about her work and life and I might have mentioned some stuff about me, but to be honest I tend to not indulge about me unless someone is asking me questions since my life is either really sad or uninteresting but impressive (might be a dig on myself but remember I used to be in Youtube videos getting in over 100 million views and not one of them “fans” [not of me, of the show] really gives a shit about me.), and I like to get to know people. So, after the escape room, she drives me to Dairy Queen after she suggested we get ice cream after. I have sensitive teeth but I said fuck it and got some Dairy Queen. I barely ate mine but then she started asking me some questions and I got to open up some. One of those questions was “are you single”.

She was definitely sizing me up, and I was enjoying it. But then she starts complaining about her boyfriend unprompted and my brain immediately went “red flag abort”. I don’t want to be another door rug for someone to complain to while they don’t do anything proactive to change their circumstances. I had a friendship last 6 years and the entire time I wished it was more and it never was, and when it got to a point where it might have been, I blew it up because I already felt a vibe that she wasn’t gonna continue our friendship and proved why she shouldn’t. I do this with BPD and I am working on it truly. However, I remember having another conversation with another guy (calling him Lou) about how women will “emotionally cheat” on their partner by complaining to another person about things they should be actively discussing to their partner about. In this case, she was complaining about his “quirkiness” and by “quirkiness” she meant “sexist” because every example was him being rude about women.

Very similarly, I might add looking back, to the way Kyle was talking.

I empathized with her situation but immediately knew she was trying to get out of it and jump into a new relationship after. And, while I understand her, I immediately told myself that this wasn’t to work out. So, I had two options; hedge my bets and try and sleep with her or immediately draw that boundary and call it a night after we get back to my place. From my perspective, she already cheated; should I leave it as it is or try and entice more out of her. I decided to see how far she is willing to go. She accepts my invitation to meet my cats, but as soon as she stepped into my apartment, she was hesitant and distant, so she must’ve already felt off about me too. To be fair, my apartment isn’t the most decorated since it is just two guys and I don’t allocate my money enough to aesthetics (funny enough, just spent like $400 on posters both in and out of frames and looking to buy frames for the rest). And also to be fair, I am a guy trying to sleep with a women in a relationship. That isn’t good person behavior at all. But, as my therapist recently has been helping me with, “live more in the grey and take risks” and this felt like a moral grey area so I figured risk it for biscuits. And those biscuits were too dry and ended up sayin no and telling my over text “very happy in a monogamous relationship”. Here is this thing; it’s my fault that ended that way. But also, no other way it ended would’ve been good for me from my perspective because she already cheated and being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t tackle issues with the person they are in a relationship with head on isn’t something I am willing to deal with. So we probably both lucked out from both perspectives and multiple things can be true at once.

But, did I do that because of advice I got from guys? Not the piece from my therapist, but most dating advice I have has been from men. Did these guys really give good advice? Or do they only give proactive advice? Seems weird because all the advice they gave me lines up with my therapist’s advice. But also people have different interpretations of that same string of events and different opinions. Unfortunately, being opportunistic in some situations can be considered sleezy (likes the one I just described) if you take the risk but also some situations require that same amount of risk. Strangely enough, I didn’t feel comfortable taking that risk until she started complaining about her boyfriend. Because I knew that risk was never an option and I’ve tried being that for someone and it was exhausting. Maybe I missed out on a good relationship with a decent person but ruined it because I am a hyperaware, sensitive and insecure man who tried to sleep with her. Maybe she was interested but as soon as she saw my empty ass apartment, she got the creeps and decided to dip. Both of these truths can exist at the same time. It can also be true that the men who gave me all the advice that lead to this moment were driving the wheel that night. But hey, that just means I am kinda gay.

No one is perfect, folks. Remember that. Thanks for reading and have a good one- DL