I really like that title for some reason. I don’t really understand why. I ponder on this while I listen to this lofi music.. it is some random playlist on Youtube Music. I couldn’t even tell you who the artist is or what it is they are parodying. It isn’t even that great. However, I would probably be scouring the app for almost an hour looking for the PERFECT playlist so I can vibe well and comfortably. I wouldn’t save it because anytime I do I never revisit it (when it comes to lofi specifically) because my tastes are ever changing. It is a line of my own existence because some may consider that a need that you must fulfill in order for you to be your most comfortable self. Some may consider it OCD. Some may consider it a distraction from me writing this today because no one reads it and it feels like a waste of time. However, I remember two things from therapy that apply; Multiple truths exist at the same time and I am doing this for me moreso than others.

I recently had a bad date (probably my fault but my perspective is the healthier alternative for my brain so I can move on and meet new people without much guilt or shame) and I mentioned to a friend that I went to an escape room. Between this and the board games, this same friend hangs with other acquaintances that do not like including or hanging out with me and it is kinda FOMO fr. It is my fault; I got triggered to a playful comment about me masturbating and it made the entire room feel awkward for the rest of the night. But it is also as if they are taunting me, like my last blog or my friend telling them what happened they are are like “friends can do escape rooms together ” even though the entire situation was nuanced. And I can’t confront them on this because it isn’t about me at all. Why would it? They never cared about me in the first place. So I sit with this feeling until therapy. I am using this blog as as journal basically so this is extremely private feelings that I am choosing to be open about but to most they might just seem like normal feelings that are ok to talk about.

I am probably insane unfortunately, which is probably why I choose to be as open about my perspective on this blog; at least you can see the red flags waving from the hillside in the country across the ocean. Change takes time. Reminder that I am not as much of a victim as I am a survivor. The fact that I have a bacon egg and cheese bagel with avocado on it every morning and I haven’t felt much general survivor struggle in a while. By that I mean like starving or incredibly poor. Being in a stable situation showcases your biggest flaws and weaknesses as a person emotionally and you go through moments that lead to gradual growth. But, even though a lot of what I went through was absolute struggle, I need to learn not to catastrophize it so much.

We didn’t have plumbing in the kitchen for years and my mom refused to use any of the money she was getting from my great aunt and my dad to pay a professional. When we needed to wash the dishes, we had to take tubs (like over a gallon for sure and multiple times during one session) out from under the sink and in the sink and walk it through the house to dump it outside. This was a daily process, and as my sister and brother and mom started using more, they weren’t attentive to it. Sometimes it would flood the bottom of the cabinet under the sink and it started warping if there was a day were I was at church and wasn’t home that night to deal with it or if I was at a friend’s house. And church was twice a week and my friends wasn’t infrequent.

Whoa just deleted a paragraph and a half of me catastrophizing. Fact is, it was a lot for everyone involved, not just me. It is hard to not want to go on a personal tirade. But all I need to do is sit in the feeling until it passes and then move on. That is all I can do now. It sucks that at my most raw form I am just over contemplating small shit because my life is so safe it needs chaos to feel more alive. I don’t know how to just feel alive everyday. I try to make risks but it seems I will always be shown that either nothing I do will satisfy me or no one will ever care. One day maybe I will see a third option. Or maybe just act like no one cares all the time. And that is growth. Thank for reading and have a good day! -DL

P.S. almost made another breakfast sandwich for myself. Can I have breakfast for both meals?! Must I balance so I don’t get tired of it? Who knows 🤗