So, when I quit a job I held in March of 2024, I realized something; I’m never going to be happy as long as my basic needs aren’t met. It was then that I decided to create this blog. Before the blog, I needed to prove to myself that I really enjoyed writing. I always tell myself I might enjoy something, but it isn’t until you are actually doing it can you evaluate whether you like it or not. That is just how life is.
So, I wrote down 10 random ideas for really small sketches in order to get myself out of a funk and to help me understand my skills. Each one is done in a different style, but I feel that each live up to themselves as shareable. I hope you enjoy them! I’ll probably add more to this page as time goes one, but feel free to enjoy what I’ve created!
The Downstairs Neighbor
The scene takes place on a screened-in, second story condo porch on a chilly, windy night. There are pieces of patio furniture organized around a glass elongated table with nothing on it. There are two entryways onto the porch; one on the far right that leads into the apartment and another on the far left, which is a screen door.
Below this porch is another one that mimics in design but has nothing but a recliner outside with a small table affixed to the right of the chair, with multiple pieces of marijuana paraphernalia on top of the table.
The scene begins with the upstairs neighbors walking in from the outside onto the porch. The downstairs neighbor is below and unnoticeable. The married couple is FRANK and BEVERLY HOMESTEAD, and the downstairs neighbor is named MARK.
F- … and THAT is why I’ve been slacking in my golf game recently!
B- Oh, honey! I think it is adorable! My man out there trying to impress his buddies but always overcorrects shows just how nervous you are on the inside.
As Beverly is saying this, Frank is patting his front down and starts getting nervous, then immediately response.
F- Hey, have you seen the keys?
B- No…
Frank continues to only pat his front, going back and forth to the same pockets. Beverly notices this, and immediately goes to pat herself down, then she sees them out of her husband’s back pocket and grabs them while also grabbing his ass. He looks at her, stunned! Mark starts mumbling to himself.
F- That’s my ass, hun, not some keys!
M (overlapping and whispering)- You need to ask for a raise! You can’t let work keep pushing you around!
FRANK grins a little, chuckles and pulls her in. As FRANK does this, BEV pulls the keys out of his pocket, dangling them as she goes along with his initiation, and they kiss. It starts getting kind of heated, they start touching more, grabbing more passionately, and all the while Mark is just mumbling to himself. But he gets steadily louder.
M- You need to go right on in there and tell them either a raise or you quit. You…
F (overlappping)- Babe! We’re outside! The neighbor is going to hear us! Beverly continues to kiss FRANK’s neck
M-…better tell them that. You hear me? You better! Otherwise, you are going to keep getting taken advantage of! You need to quit!
B- ugh, we’ll be fine. He is so involved with himself; he would never notice. (Whispers) Do that thing I like with your hand.
They continue to engage as Mark is talking at a normal volume
M- Just the other day, they had you on 3 separate projects while everyone else had one. Everyone else got to only worry about this one report to monitor, but you did that report along with a second one! And then they ask you to take out the trash. And, yeah, that is a simple thing, but you only threw away like two things! And this wasn’t even your office, it was Greg’s office! Fuckin’ Greg, dude. This guy can’t help but fill his trash halfway every day! And everyone was so caught up in his fishing story, they just ushered me off to take the trash out. It wasn’t even that good of a story! Like who in the fuck fishes with people out of nowhere?
As things get heated upstairs, Beverly can’t help but make a slight moan. Mark immediately directs his attention, and his previous train of thought is over
M- Beverly? Are you ok?
As Mark starts to mention her name, she immediately shoves Frank off.
B (while adjusting herself)- Oh, umm, hi Mark! Yeah just, umm (Frank silently grabs the keys) accidentally sat on the keys!
M (not sarcasm)- Oh, really? Damn, I swore I heard the keys jingle earlier as you guys were stepping inside… Didn’t I hear the keys jing…
F (interrupting)- So, how’s work going, Mark?
M (frazzled and scared)- Umm, well. Nothing too insane! Just typical work stuff.
Frank and Beverly look at each other, gauging the moment when Beverly motions to Frank as they both speak defeated and tired
B & F- What do you mean?
As Mark continues to talk and they reply simply, the couple are looking more and more tired and bored and out of the mood
M- Well, I was working on the report I was assigned to do today, and I was all caught up in crunching the numbers and getting it finished before the end of the day…
B & F- Uh huh
M (talking over them each time) … and then I realized something. I realized that the report I did last week wasn’t done right at all! And, thankfully, they only check the reports monthly! So, to try and stay on track, I restart doing last week’s report…
B & F- Oh, yeah?
M- … which takes up the second half of the first half of my shift before my break. I then go on my break without finishing either of the projects, which consumes my mind as I’m on my break. When I came back from my break, I thought I had an idea of how to tackle my issue, but then we had a meeting in the conference room. That aggravates me, because I was already behind on my work. And, during…
B & F (interrupting, sinking into the patio furniture)- Really?
M- … the meeting, we all decided to move into Greg’s office for a demonstration he had. And, while the demonstration was loading on the computer, he starts telling this story about fishing. Starts going on about some “dagum” fish as if that is a name of a fish!
B & F- Right?
M (gets visibly more stressed)- RIGHT!? He starts by saying he was fishing with a pastor! Like, who just randomly starts fishing with a pastor? And apparently these fish tasted amazing, because this pastor invited him to eat them with a bishop! And they are all eating fish! And of course, Greg is cursing like a sailor the entire time, which is so unprofessional!
B & F (basically falling asleep)- So unprofessional.
M- An-an-and this entire time, people are just so engrossed in the story, so I grab like a fruit snack out of my backpack and start eating on it. And here he is now talking about how he is eating with the Pope! Like, jeez, Greg, we get it! You have a lot of connections! You eat fish with the Pope! And then he says the Pope said, “You motherfuckers might be alright”. And everyone laughs, but here I am just so out of touch. Like, I’ve never met the Pope.
B & F- Never?
M- Never! And apparently everyone else knew him, because here they are laughing as if that is usually how the Pope is! I just cannot relate to these rich types, I swear. And, as I finish the fruit snack, I crumple up the wrapping and throw it away. Everyone slowly stops laughing and look at me throwing the snack away. And now I’m worried that they know about me being behind on my reports, because they looked at me and didn’t seem happy anymore, which freaks me out! Like I just learned this job last month.
F- Mark, I don’t think…
M (interrupts)- So, as they are looking over at me, Sam says “Trash is getting kind of full” while everyone is still looking at me. So, like, as soon as I could, I started taking out the trash! But here I am, taking out another man’s trash while still having two reports to do, and they are all laughing about a guy I’ve never met, nor will ever meet, and it kind of makes me angry!
F- Dude, you are thinking too much about the whole situation…
M- Dude, no! They were looking over at me for so long! Like 5 seconds or so! They knew I did something wrong, for sure! And the reports…
F- But it was a joke…
M- Dude, my reports are no joke! They require extreme attention to detail! Every number needs to be exact, or otherwise we won’t know how…
F- I’m not talking about the reports, I’m talking about the joke!
M (extremely confused)- What joke? (starts giggling) Did I say something funny?
F- The story that Greg told sounds like a joke.
M (visibly angry)- What!? Absolutely not! That wasn’t a joke, everyone was literally laughing at me because I never met the Pope!
F- Bro, I’ve told that same story before at a bar mitzvah…
M- Wait, you ALSO know the Pope! Dude, I never even heard of the Pope visiting our city, and now I know at least 6 people who’ve met the Pope! That’s insane!
F- Mark. I’m Jewish.
M- So?
F- It’s a joke, Mark.
M- Dude, whatever! That is so stupid that you fucking think that stupid fucking story was a goddamn joke. Like, I was there, and I’ve heard jokes before! Bro, no one was joking. I swear, everyone is just fucking with me because I’ve never met the Pope. That is probably why Sam didn’t like when I wanted to have sex with her at work, it’s…
B & F (trying to interrupt) – Wait, WHAT!?
M- … so disrespectful how everyone treats me. Like, I get it, I’ve never done cool things like meet the Pope, but that doesn’t give everyone a right to disrespect me by laughing at me! Like, shit, I KNOW I was behind on those reports (starts walking off into apartment) and that also makes me stupid for being behind but at the same time it doesn’t make sense that they all knew I was behind on the reports all because (shuts door behind him, but hears him yelling offstage) I’VE NEVER MET THE FUCKING POPE!
Mark has exited and can no longer be heard from inside the apartment. Frank and Beverly look at each other, stunned. A silence fills the air for a couple of seconds.
B- Do you want to be pegged tonight? I got that new toy you wanted!
F- After that shit, I definitely need that!
Beverly grabs Frank’s hand as they exit inside their own apartment. END.
Followers of Gal
The scene takes place aboard a foreign spacecraft unlike anything ever built by mankind. There is chromatic metal on every surface, almost mirroring every blue, magenta, and purple light that strings along edges and patterns within the spacecraft. Silhouettes, depicting aliens of a variety of shapes and sizes, are displayed on the walls with the same lighting mentioned previously. In the middle of the room is a retracting hatch that leads to somewhere below. In the top left of the spacecraft appears to be another hatch, but no ladder or climbable surface to ascend upwards are present.
Under the roof hatch is a chair shaped in a manner that would assume it wasn’t meant for a human, with restraints in multiple locations on the top and bottom, with other restraints lay on the ground behind the chair and on other designated areas of the chair that would indicate that it’s meant to hold one with multiple appendages outside the normal amount a human has.
Near the chair sits a rolling table, with multiple surgical utensils placed on top.
The scene starts with three aliens, named Mjone, Klilik, and Saubcer, each with three arms and 6 legs, all completely unsymmetrical and different, dragging a human, named Sam Pectry, into the spacecraft from the hatch below.
M- Calm down, you vile HUMAN! Klilik, Saubcer, undistinguished alien language and pointing to the arms and legs of Sam
SP (sweating, with makeup running down their face, exhausted but still fueled with adrenaline)- Let. Me. GO! Let. ME. Go. Pleaase! I have a family! I have friends! I have plans to help my brother move tomorrow! PLEASE! I have church Sunday and I can’t miss again, or God will find a way to punish me! PLEASE! I have a board game night that I want to attend! LET ME GO! I have leftovers in the fridge at work and if left unattended, Bobby with Down’s is going to steal my meal again! I MADE THAT PASTA MYSELF! I WANT TO EAT IT!
While this rant is going on, the aliens continue to hold Sam while speaking in the alien language, not even paying her any attention. They move over to the chair, but immediately look perplexed as they try to adjust the chair to restrain Sam properly. They keep moving certain pieces around, trying to mimic her unique body shape, until they eventually adjust it in a manner that pleases them.
SP- LET ME GO! This isn’t what I need! I’ve been very good in my life. And, yeah, maybe I tried cocaine and convinced someone 10 years younger than me to have sex with me, but I’m in my 30s! That’s what life is all about! But THIS ISN’T WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT! What are you doing? STOP! Ok, this isn’t happening. This is a dream. A wicked dream God is making me have because I skipped church to do cocaine and fuck a 22-year-old. My spouse doesn’t even know, God! WAKE ME UP!
The aliens are trying to affix her on the chair, but the straps are in locations that allow Sam to wiggle free. So, while this rant continues, the aliens are speaking in the alien language, motioning and trying different restraint styles that keep failing. When Sam starts thinking she is dreaming, she stops resisting, and the aliens start using every restraint they have, in various locations that eventually restrain her. Her last scream is completely restrained as she fails to release herself.
S (gets close to Sam’s face, starts as a whisper)- Shut your orifice, vile creature! You will be dissected and disassembled in the name of our god and emperor GAL!
SP- God, you are all disgusting! And I know disgusting! I’ve Googled images of platypuses after watching Phineus and Ferb, and they are NOT as cute as the carto…
K- Saubcer said SHUT YOUR ORIFICE! You’ve been uncooperative for the three Earth hours it took us to ascend into the Kilig, the fine spacecraft you are now in! Do you have an end to your stamina!?
M- Let’s just hope whatever “cocaine” and “fucking” is doesn’t disrupt the subject’s jewel it harbors inside this disgusting, greasy body. I must now sharpen these tools to prepare for disassembling the creature.
Mjone starts what appears to be sharpening surgical equipment
SP- Ok, but were you not prepared for any of this? You are currently sharpening tools while I’m restrained in a chair not fit for me, after it took 3 hours to get into the spaceship in the first place! What is going on here?
S- Our improvisation of the current events is of no concern to you! Mjone will extract the jewel you hold, and once we present it to our god and emperor Gal, we shall be rewarded!
SP- I’m still confused… I’ve never heard of any people having jewels inside them, much less a jewel fit for a “god and emperor”
K- You will cease your sarcastic tone at once! We did research on your anatomy and all its parts!
S- Mjone peered inside an ancient document titled “Anatomy 101”, and inside we discovered something precious, something that is named so perfectly that it would be a CRIME not to harvest it for our god and emperor!
K- Yes, indeed! And, in conjunction with out Kilig’s ability to see through matter, we were able to precisely indicate the location of the jewel inside your body!
M- And, once these utensils are prepared, and we extract your gallbladder, we will present it to our god and emperor Gal as the result of our hard work surveilling your planet!
Aliens all chime in with individual evil-sounding laughs in unison. Sam immediately calms down, now looking perplexed
SP- Umm, what was that?
K- You heard us, you undistinguished, unusually shaped biological form! Once we dissect and harvest the jewel within you, our Gal will shower us with praise and fortune!
SP- By jewel, you mean my gallbladder?
S- It is perfectly named; we cannot wait to remove it from your abdomen!
SP- Honestly, you can have it. Hurry up and get this over with so I can leave!
The aliens all pause, confused by the reluctance Sam displays. They start talking in the alien language, scratching their heads in confusion.
SP- Well, what? You want my “precious” jewel, you can have it!
M- If I may, human, it seems that you aren’t connected to the jewel the resides inside you in any regard.
SP- And? What’s that got to do with you and your goal?
K- To Mjone’s concern, if I were to harbor a precious jewel inside me that would greatly benefit one’s god and emperor, I would be more as you were before; fighting for my life so no one who cut me open.
SP- Well, yeah, I mean I was like that for the 3 hours or so on the way up here, but I thought you were going to like anal probe me, like in the movies and such. But you JUST mentioned you wanted my gallbladder. Like, just now. That changes a lot! Like, you do know what my gallbladder is for?
S- We did some very thorough research regarding your language in order to appropriately communicate with you, but never really took much time to learn what ALL the words mean. In our research in “Anatomy 101”, we learned of some organs.
M (no longer sharpening tools)- When we first read of the “heart” and its role in delivering “blood”, we were astonished, as our species doesn’t have such a function. Even learning of the “lung” and how it uses “air” was so vastly different than our species! We don’t have air or even what you call “gravity”, which prevented us from getting into our Kilig so quickly. The platform we were on the entire time took us 5 weeks to prepare! At least we have cloaking abilities, but in the meantime, we were still researching your biology!
SP- Ok… so did you at least Google it?
S- Are you toying with us? We did enough time on “google” that we depicted its use as unreliable for information. The few continuous movement media files on the clock sound site were sufficient enough to prove our case!
SP- … so you watched some Tiktok videos and gave up on the internet?
K (gets uncomfortably close to Sam)- We do not know what your game is, impudent human! The “google” mentioned nothing of this “internet”. You seem to be “playing with our minds” as you say it on this planet. I suspect you are STALLING us from extracting the jewel!
SP- Look, by all means, get it out of me! I haven’t been to the doctor in a while, but if my habits speak for themselves, it’s likely to be removed anyways.
M (confused)- Wait… your kind regularly removes these jewels?
SP- Yeah. My gramps had his removed about 20 years before his passing…
S- So, it seems this gallbladder helps in retaining one’s inner life energy! A splendid discovery! Let’s proceed at once.
SP- Well, he was going to die sooner if it wasn’t for its removal. But, please, by all means!
The aliens start discussing in an alien language once again, pointing and touching at various parts of Sam’s body. Sam lies motionless, almost as if all the exhaustion of the evening finally hit them. After what seems to be a heated discussion, Klilik and Saucber start undoing the restraints.
M- After much talk, we realized that this jewel is that of corruption to your kind. Which, once you all perish, will be collected in the end of your lives as we present them all to our god and emperor Gal!
SP- Wait, you are letting me leave? Just like that?
K (gets uncomfortably close to Sam as they release themselves from the chair)- We are anticipating you continued suffering with the corrupted jewel inside you! As you go about your day participating in “cocaine” and “fucking”, it will be in there, slowly turning your body into a vegetable that we will carve into on your deathbed! Then, once its corruption phase has ended, we will present this stone to our god and emperor, and WE WILL BE REWARDED!
SP- Well, I guess until then! Any faster way down?
M- As you descend our entryway, you will be reminded of your ungrateful God as you deal with the plights of your “gravity”. Now LEAVE! And never speak of us to anyone EVER!
SP (sarcastically)- Oh, sure, yeah. Not a single word to anyone. Got it. (mumbles offstage as they exit) You’d think they at least have like a beam or something, because this walk down isn’t going to be fun at all!
The aliens use a weird display on the other end of the ship to watch Tiktoks. END.
H.O.M.E.
Scene One
Exterior- Lawn of subdivision home, moving truck parked facing the home. The truck pulls up and parks. The side panel of the truck says H.O.M.E. The camera pans the side of the truck, not revealing the back exit. The sounds of the truck opening and workers exiting can be heard, with people walking across the frames with boxes as the camera zooms in on the passage-side door. The side door opens, revealing TED FLAN, CEO of H.O.M.E. as he exits from the vehicle and walks towards the camera, in tandem, as he speaks. As he walks away from the truck, movers handling all sorts of furniture, boxes, and items and moving from the truck into the new home.
TED
Hey there, friends and neighbors! If you don’t recognize me, my name is Ted Flan, and I’m the CEO of H.O.M.E. We are all just a helpful bunch of people, here to help you move into your new home! We’ve helped so many satisfied customers. So, here are some that would like to pass on a kind work to all you out there looking for a trusted moving company!
Scene Two
Interior- The kitchen of a satisfied customer, with some kitchen items, such as spatulas and ladles, organized in containers on the counter. Standing in front of the counter is SALLY MARIE, a satisfied customer. As the camera cuts to her, she is cutting open a new, small box with a pair of scissors. As she speaks, her hands aren’t visible.
SALLY
I was so stressed out about my move into this wonderful home I got from my cousin after they passed away. I have always been nervous about moving companies. But I’ve acquired too much for just one person to move. That’s why I called H.O.M.E. They made my move easy and made me feel like all my stuff wasn’t too much to handle!
As she finished speaking, the camera cut to her whole frame. She has opened a new package of scissors with a pair of scissors, puts the current pair into the closest drawer, which is filled with scissors, then she removes the new pair in excitement.
Scene Three
Interior- A corner of a room sits a desk facing a shade-covered window. Sitting at the desk is GEORGE STATEBROWN, another satisfied customer. As he speaks, he leaves the desk and walks left. On the word “still” he will be in front of a scene of movers, opening and organizing boxes and the contents within.
GEORGE
Thanks to H.O.M.E., moving into my new apartment has been a breeze! I’ve only just moved in about 3 months ago, and I still am feeling the H.O.M.E. in my home! Everything that they have done for me has been amazing, and I cannot thank them enough as they still help me unpack!
Scene Four
Interior- Living room that leads to the front lawn. 20 shelves on a single wall with random artifacts, items, and toys cluttering each one. MIRANDA SUNG enters the camera view, holding a tea cup and saucer.
MIRANDA
After six months, H.O.M.E. had completely unpacked all my stuff, and I already felt at home! But these movers never quit! They prove time and time again that their customer service is exceptional! They even went so far as to remove the dead worker’s body from my lawn! Everything they do, they truly do for us!
As she passes in front of the wall with shelves, she opens the front door and the camera cuts to the lawn, where we see some movers putting a body into a casket, with a hearse in view on the driveway. The camera cuts back to Scene One, with TED FLAN now standing at the rear of the truck. As he speaks, the truck closes, revealing the full name of the company; Hoarder’s Organizing and Moving Experts
TED
Here at Hoarder’s Organizing and Moving Experts, we’ll make sure your new place feels like home! With a staff that truly cares so much, they die! On the job! For you! Pause. And don’t worry about what items you have or what they are stored in, because here at H.O.M.E., we’ll ease your burden all the same!
As TED continues, the camera will cut to the items he describes, then showing workers handling the package. However, the workers are starting to look way skinnier than they looked previously.
Got a box full of high school memorabilia that belonged to you? We’ve got you covered! Got an old, decrypted box filled with nicknacks that you know longer need now, but might find a use for in the future? We’ll help you there, too! What about 87 years’ worth of photographs that ended up in your life and you never need them for any reason, but feel obligated to keep because even though you didn’t know these people at all, there memory should be cherish, even if it’s in an old, moldy, dusty, untouched photobook? We’ll clean it up!
The camera cuts to him again, but now he is sitting on a sofa with an abundance of pillows.
So, recently, we have heard some backlash we’ve received regarding our treatment of our workers. And, trust me, we get it! I just showed a clip of a dead worker being put into a casket! But, to assure the future clients of H.O.M.E that they will be taken care of by loyal, trusted employees, here are some of them to say a few words on just how great it is to work for H.O.M.E.
The camera cuts to a worker, RAUL, sitting in the driver seat of a truck.
RAUL
I’ve been working in this company for about a year, and in the two projects I’ve been on, all I have to say is just how great we all are at taking care of our clients and how great it is to work for H.O.M.E.!
The camera cuts to LISA, who has just placed a box down in front of a bunch of other boxes in Scene Two
LISA
Look, I really don’t mind working for this company. But it’s also a hard call, because I was hired two months ago and the entire time, I’ve been helping George move in.
The camera cuts to PAUL, who is in the middle of eating a sub sandwich quickly, sitting on a random desk not meant for sitting on.
PAUL
Working with this company has its challenges, just like any other company. Is this the first meal I’ve eaten in 3 days due to continuous work to meet our satisfaction and quota? Sure! Is there an employee I hate named Raul who sits in a truck all day and compliments everyone on a good job while playing Pokémon Unite from his Switch? We all have one! But I would’ve died without this sandwich, and I’m still helping George move in. They pay overtime, too!
Camera cuts back to TED on the couch
TED
And there you have it! Our workers absolutely love working for H.O.M.E. And, while seeing the dead body earlier in the commercial was shocking, it shows the dedication the workers have! It doesn’t show that this company has a cult-like presence or hold over its worker’s wellbeing. It just doesn’t, so don’t even bring it up! Otherwise, we might just employ YOU! Pause, as TED smiles. So, whether it’s old or new, the same thing you just bought last week, or a collection of things you have no use for but no willpower to throw away, let H.O.M.E turn your new living space into one!
The camera pans out, revealing that TED is sitting in Scene 2, with LISA and PAUL unloading packages in the background amongst a cluttered room filled with boxed full of stuff while GEORGE is seen petting his cat in a dining room chair. END
Learn The Rules
The scene takes place in a living room, complete with a tv, fun decorations, and a central table surrounded by a sectional couch and love seat. Sitting around the table are five friends. A couple sitting on the loveseat, named HELEN and JUSTIN PADGENT, two friends sitting across from them on a sectional named RUDY GAMBLE and KALEY HOLLAND, and a fifth friend on the same sectional named JORDAN PRONG. They are all sitting around and having a fun chat. They are about to play Clue, a popular board game.
Helen- UGH, I miss Paris so much! I was there abroad in 2014 and it was so…
Jordan- Wait, you said 2014? That’s so crazy, I was there in 2014!
Helen- WHAT know way, Jordan! We’ve known each other for, like, 4 years. How have we NOT know this about each other!
Jordan- I can’t say, to be honest! I was only there for a summer trip, so it wasn’t like I was studying abroad!
Rudy- I’ve never even been to Paris! If you were to ask me to point it out on a map, I’d probably land to somewhere in Russia! How long were you there, Hel?
Helen- I think about 2 years. Honestly, I was there so long, sometimes I (switches to a French accent) sound like I still living there!
Justin- But I love it when you switch (in a bad French accent) “accaunts”! It’s so cute! It’ll be perfect as you embody Ms. Peacock in our game of Clue!
Kaley (quietly)- Oh, I can’t wait. I love Clue!
Everyone except Jordan starts nodding and agreeing, but Jordan hangs is head low.
Jordan- Omg, don’t look at me guys. But I’ve never played Clue?
Kaley (quietly)- Wait, never?
Jordan- Yeah, I know, I know. But I’ve played so many board games, it should be easy.
Helen- Well, if you want, I have all the rules right here! I can read them to everyone as a refresher, or eve…
Jordan- Oh, Hel, there’s no need! I’m sure I’ll learn enough from us all playing!
Everyone nods in agreement, and a montage of the beginnings of the game unfolds. It cuts to Jordan’s second turn, who is playing Mustard as he lands himself into the first room to make a guess.
Jordan- Whoohoo! Ok, so, based on what everyone has said, I am gonna guess! Sooo, I think it was ME, in the DINING ROOM, with the CANDLESTICK!
Everyone looks at there cards intently, not paying attention to Jordan who has grabbed the three cards in the middle and started looking at them. KALEY notices first, then JUSTIN.
Kaley (quietly)- Jordan, that isn’t how you pla…
Justin- Jordan! That’s not how you play, silly! You are guessing, and you go from left to right asking us if we can disprove you!
Jordan (astonished and ashamed)- Ohmygod, I’m so sorry! I won’t say anything, and you guys continue playing!
Rudy- I have each of those cards, to be honest!
Helen- Ok, at this point, we might as well start over! But, Jordan, just remember this next time around.
Jordan- Oh, trust me, I will! Won’t be making THAT mistake again!
Everyone laughs, and there is another montage of the game being reset. We cut back to Jordan after the second game has started, and it’s his roll.
Jordan- Ok, sweet! I rolled a four! So, I’m going to take the secret passage from the Lounge into the Kitchen!
Kaley (quietly)- That’s not where…
Helen- Jordaan, you can only travel diagonally, and the kitchen is right here! Points to location on the board. You can only travel here! Points to the Conservatory.
Jordan- Jeez, my bad! Ok, so since I can’t go directly to the kitchen, I’ll just move across the board to here! Moves Col. Mustard piece to the outside of the room, not using the doorway.
Kaley (quietly but agitated)- Dude, use the doo…
Justin- Jordan, you exit out the doorway here!
Jordan- My bad! Whoops, so I’ll just go here! Silly me!
Another montage until the end of Kaley’s turn
Kaley (quietly)- So, it wasn’t my guess…
Jordan- Ok, my turn! Rolls a 20-sided dice. Oh, a 16!
Kaley- Dude, thats not eve…
Rudy- I’ve never been in a game where someone tried to use a d20 to replace a normal die! Jordan, what are you thinking?
Jordan- Sorry, honestly! I couldn’t even find the normal die, to be honest.
Kaley- It’s right there. Point to the die sitting right in front of JORDAN
Jordan- Oh, silly me! God, I’m so blind! My bad! Rolls a six. Yes, a six! That finally puts me into the Kitchen! Let me think about my guess…
As everyone looks at their cards intently, not noticing as JORDAN leans perfectly in position to look at KALEY’s cards. JUSTIN notices JORDAN cheating.
Justin- Ok, Jordan, just blatantly looking at Kaley’s hand is obviously cheating, dude!
Jordan– Ok, jeez, my bad! I won’t make that mistake again!
Kaley (now fuming with rage as she screams)- THAT’S IT! I’VE HAD IT! Look, I can understand you mistakenly not remembering the doorway or passageway rules, but you’re now BLATENLY CHEATING! And you rolled a D20 OUT OF KNOWWHERE like you’ve played a boardgame that just ALLOWS you to use your own dice, like SERIOUSLY!? And everyone is soo lenient and complacent, but EACH OF YOU are honestly TERRIBLE! Like all of you guys have been interrupting me ALL NIGHT! God I couldn’t even get a single THOUGHT across that someone didn’t CUT ME OFF and say what I was going to say! And RUDY, you’ve been doing nothing but TALKING IN “I” statements the entire night! And following it up with a question doesn’t justify your NARCISSISM, it just distracts us from your awful conversation skills. HELEN, just so you are aware, you aren’t “accidently” slipping into a French accident, you bitch! You are just giving yourself an excuse to GAIN INSTANT ATTENTION and, honestly, it’s all so FUCKING TOXIC! Honestly, FUCK this. Opens the middle envelope and slams it on the table, revealing the LIBRARY card, the ROPE card and the REVOLVER card. WHAT THE FUCK!? WHO PUT THIS TOGETHER!?
Jordan- Oops, my bad, guys! I should’ve not taken that initiati…
Kaley- OK SHUT UP, JORDAN! Silence. You know what, you guys enjoy the rest of this STUPID ASS EVENING!
Kaley walks briskly off stage. A silence fills the room until her footsteps offstage can no longer be heard.
Justin- Soo, you guys want to play Betrayal? Pulls out Betrayal at the House on the HIll.
Rudy- I love that game! We’ve all played, right?
Jordan and Helen both agree that they’ve played it before, and they start putting away Clue. END.
It’s Magic!
The scene takes place in a small dive bar with a stage, with a banner displayed that say “Ricky Pazza’s Magic Showdown!” hanging just above the stage. Several audience members sit in silence, waiting for the show to begin. In the audience is FRANCIS and GLADYS, two young ladies on a night out. ALEX, a talent scout, can also be seen in the audience.
To the right of the stage are 3 magicians. JORGE PRESTO, JOHN AGREGIANO, and TRAVIS BROWN. RICKY PAZZA can be seen to the right of the stage. All lights are on the stage, doing fun movements as RICKY in an announcer’s voice begins offstage
RICKY (offstage)- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another Maaagic Showdown! We have a treat for you tonight, so stay in your seats and don’t forget to order you some drinks from our lovely bartender Trixie! Coming onto the stage now is your wonderful and talented host, RICKY PAZZA! As he says his name, he starts walking onstage. Hellooo everybody, and welcome to my Magic Showdown! Hopefully you are mentally prepared, because our talents for tonight’s showdown are guaranteed to blow you away! Let’s just show whatever trick is up their sleeve (does a simple sleight of hand magic trick) is enough for them to win the grand total of $10 dollars! Now, who’s ready for some magic!? Very little applause. Aw, come on, folks! I said WHO IS READY FOR SOME MAGIC!? Still very little applause. Fantastic. First out of the three contestants’ tonight is a very talented, very illegal immigrant, all the way from Brazil. Give it up for Jorge Presto!
RICKY exits as JORGE enters the stage.
Jorge- Thanks for having me here! Now, for my first trick…
Focus turns to audience members as performance commences
Francis- Girl, who is this guy? He is kind of cute for real.
Gladys- Well, he got 2k Instagram followers, so he must be somethin’.
Francis- Well, let’s hope his hands are good for more than magic!
Gladys- Girl, stop! He probably got a girlfriend or something.
Francis- You know that ain’t ever stopped me, girl! No one passes on this ass!
Gladys- Girl, I know that’s right!
Focus on JORGE as he does his next trick
Jorge- And, for my next trick, I’ll need a volunteer!
GLADYS and FRANCIS start raising their hands
Jorge- ok, ok… umm you there! Come up! Let’s give her a big hand, huh?
Minimal to no applause as FRANCIS gets on stage. As JORGE speaks, FRANCIS is trying to look sexy by posing promiscuously.
Jorge- Well, what is your name, pretty lady?
Francis (seductively)- Francis.
Jorge- Everyone, give it up for Francis! GLADYS applause aggressively, no one else does anything. Ok, Francis, for this trick, I am going to need to see your I.D.
Gladys hands over her I.D. to Jorge.
Jorge- Now, pay attention to the I.D. No issues, no cracks or creases. This is genuinely your I.D., correct?
Gladys(desperately, as if hiding a secret)– Yeah, it is! Everyone, it is! I promise it is real!
Silence
Jorge- Ok, thank you! Ok, everyone, watch closely! You will see this very I.D. change before your very eye!
The I.D. changed into a Green Card with Jorge’s name on it.
Jorge- Ah! As you can see, your I.D. became MY I.D.! Thanks for the card! Now, everyone, clap your hands as she makes her way back to sit next to her other probably illegal friend!
Literally no applause. FRANCIS makes her way back to the chair. RICKY ushers JORGE off stage.
Ricky- Give it up to Jorge Presto everybody! Stealing hearts and, apparently, I.D.’s! RICKY shows visible excitement after joke. A distant chuckle is heard. Ok, thank you! For our next magic act, we have a local veteran whose been in the game for over 15 years! Give it up for JOHN AGREGIANOOO!
John hobbles to the stage slowly, causing an awkward silence that causes everyone to start playing on their phones.
John- Thanks to everyone for coming out. Ricky always hosts a nice showdown, but what’s a showdown without a throwdown!
Throws instant smoke on the ground, and out of the smoke his costume and demeanor changed. He starts doing a montage of tricks that seem impressive, but no one is paying attention except RICKY.
John- And for my final trick, (looks at crowd, not paying attention except RICKY looking enthusiastic) I’m going to leave.
John walks offstage in a wobble, and RICKY walks onstage clapping.
Ricky- Thank you John for stopping by! That was a fantastic performance. Truly a great magician. Now, I figured I might as well give you a lil’ show of my own.
As RICKY starts performing, focus goes back into the audience. Everyone is still on their phones.
Gladys- I wonder if that old guy ever got onstage.
Francis- For real. I got so caught up looking at my Only Fans, I wasn’t even paying attention.
Gladys- Oh shit, where you at?
Francis- Only like 5 subscribers for now, but my ass is fat, so I know Imma get that cash!
Gladys- I know that’s right. You ever find your I.D.?
Francis- pulls it out of chest. He done slipped it right in there.
Gladys- Think he coped a feel?
Francis- Yeah, I do. But, also, he got that 2k girl, and I need them followers. If they anything like him, they are all thirsty.
Gladys- Damn, I know that’s rig… hey look at the guy about to come on stage! I’m gonna need me a piece of that!
GLADYS is motioning to Travis, who waves at them but they immediately look unfazed by the guy in a hiding intentions way.
Ricky- Thank you so much! Now, I wonder who I’m going to choose to win the grand prize, hmm? Well, you’ll need to keep paying attention to find out! The last act has gone Tiktok viral after his video of him playing with squirrels. Let’s give it up for Travis Brown!
Ricky exits the stage as TRAVIS enters, immediately starts doing sleight of hand tricks that all involve his mouth. Minor cheers can be heard from the crowd as he does his magic montage of him basically doing magic tricks and mild stripping. It’s sort of over the top on the stripper spectrum.
Travis- And, for my last trick, I’m going to get your head blown out! Reaches into pants and pulls out a card from his jockstrap and motions to Gladys. Is this your card?
Gladys- My, yes sir, it is! Under her breath but kinda loud ztill Shoulda let me try and find it!
Travis (As he throws the card at Gladys)- Well, savor the favor, madam! You’ll never know what else you’ll find! Thank you to everyone, and goodnight!
A bigger applause than anyone else has received occurs, but still very mild. Ricky enters the stage, seemingly unamused.
Ricky- Give it up to Travis! Now, I know you guys have been on the edge of your seats, but now I tell you who won the $10 dollars! As he says, “edge of your seats”, everyone starts getting up and mingling. GLADYS and FRANCIS move towards the three magicians, but GLADYS goes to TRAVIS. and FRANCIS goes to JORGE. And the winner of the $10 dollars is…. John Agrediano! Give him a big round of applause!
No one reacts to RICKY as JOHN takes the ten-dollar bill and walks over to the other magicians. As JOHN approaches, so does ALEX.
John– Looks like I got the $10 this time, guys!
Alex (talking over John)- Hey there, Jorge and Travis! Gotta say I love your acts! You both have got some real potential in this market! Hear is my card if you are ever in need of more stage time! Alex gives JORGE and TRAVIS a business card, looking over JOHN in the process. TRAVIS and GLADYS are silently giggling to each other, then start making out. I’ll be outside if you want some more details!
Alex walks off outside.
Francis- hits Jorge. Hey, perv! Did you cope a feel givin’ me back my I.D.?
Jorge- No, of course not! I dropped it in from over your shoulder!
Francis- Oh. Well, I would’ve let you anyways, you’re such a cutie!
Everyone walks off except RICKY and JOHN, who go to the bar and order a drink
JOHN pats RICKY on that back.
John- It’s been a privilege.
They toast. END.
It’s Just a Game!
The scene takes place in a typical, unassuming apartment. There is a small sectional facing the television that is on an entertainment cabinet with various gaming stations inside. On the sectional we have BRIAN, with a wireless keyboard and mouse in his possession, looking intensely at the television, using his devices to play a game. His roommate, CHASE, is in the other room sitting at his desk when BRIAN starts yelling at him from the couch.
B- Hey, dude! You got a second?
C- Sup?
B- You play games, right? I’ve been no frustrated with this one man. Has me up day and night! Didn’t know if you’d mind helping me out!
C- Bro, figure it out!
B- Dude, come on! I’ve been struggling for real!
C- Nah, dude, figure it out! I’m currently studying for a test, and I really need to pass!
B- But Chase! I’m really having a hard time!
C- Dude, leave me alone!
Silence
B- Chase?
C- Yes?
B- Please come help?
C- Dude, just switch to another game if it’s that hard.
B- But it’s such a good game!
C- Then figure it out!
B- BUT CHASE!
C- But nothing! I’m going to try and study! Leave me alone!
Silence. Some time passes.
B- Chase?
C- What is it?
B- I still need help.
C- Fine! I’ll come help for a moment, but I have to continue studying.
CHASE gets out of his study desk and moves into the living room.
B- Thanks, man! I appreciate the help! It’s just that these puzzle games are so difficult.
Chase looks on the television and seen a puzzle game that feature hentai porn
C- Dude, what the fuck is this?
B- Foam Party Slider.
C (still in shock)- What the fuck is this?
B- It’s a slider puzzle. It’s difficult to put this one together.
C- Dude, you are watching porn.
B- Oh, you can tell? You must be really good at these things.
C- BRO I SEE THE GIRL’S WHOLE ASS TIDDY!
B- Dude, calm down! Geez. So, how would I piece this together?
C- I cannot with you, dude. You are seriously asking me to help you out with this porn game?
B- Yea, obviously.
C- That isn’t normal, my dude. Are you like trying to catch a gay vibe from me?
B- This has nothing to do with you at all. I’m just trying to beat the game.
C- Ok, but why this game? You could try to play a normal puzzle game, like one of them mobile puzzle games.
B- Bro, you know they make those for kids. Those games are so easy.
C- Bro, this game isn’t that difficult.
B- Dude, so you solved this level?
CHASE uses the mouse quick and solves the puzzle
C- There you go. I’m leaving. Also, don’t just show me porn without my consent. Because that is egregious.
B- But dude, look how difficult this puzzle is!
CHASE looks again, and it’s another preposterous hentai puzzle, and it looks rather simple.
C- BRO WHAT THE FUCK?
B- Wha.. What do you see?
C- I SEE PORN, BRIAN. IT’S NOT WHAT I EXPECTED TO SEE.
B- Well yeah, we’ve established that.
C- Dude why are you playing a porn game?
B- What do you mean?
C- What do you mean “what do you mean?” Bro, it’s porn. You are playing a porn game in the living room. Like what the fuck, my dude?
B- Bro, it’s just a game I’m trying to beat my guy!
C- Bro, who plays porn games to beat them?
B- Bro, what do you mean? It’s a game!
C- Yeah, a PORN GAME!
B- Bro, and?
C- Bro, come on now. You know this shit ain’t right.
B- Bro, I don’t know why you are getting that worked up over porn.
C- Dude what do you mean? This is insane! You are just sitting out here, playing a porn game that is surprisingly simple, and asking me to help you solve the puzzle!
B- So, it’s the porn part that makes you uncomfortable?
C- DUDE, YES BRO!
B- Why? You’ve never seen porn before?
C- Are you serious right now? Like dude, you are playing a porn game right now.
B- Dude, you are so insecure about sex.
C- What are you even talking about, bro?
B- Bro, I’m literally just sitting here trying to beat a level in a really difficult game, and you come in to help and start freaking out! And then, you helped me solve the last level, and now are freaking out again because it’s porn. Like, dude, for real. Calm down. Look, I’ve been eyeing this puzzle and I think I’m going to solve it.
C- Dude, you are acting like just playing porn games is normal.
B- Bro, playing games is normal.
C- Not porn games, dude! Watches BRIAN struggle with puzzle. Dude, you can’t even solve this one, either. Fucking pathetic.
CHASE exits back into his room. BRIAN keeps playing and solves the puzzle.
B- AH-HA! Chase, I solved this one without your help, fucking dumb asshole.
As the level clears, a prompt on the television appears, saying “CONGRADULATIONS! YOU HAVE JUST WON A $100 payout onto your CREDIT CARD! Put your information here to receive payment!”
B- Hell yeah! Enough of these, and I should pay it off in no time!’
BRIAN starts putting his information in. END.
It’s Just Water!
Scene and environment: apartment living room, midday
The scene takes place in a typical, unassuming apartment. There is a small sectional facing the television that is on an entertainment cabinet with various gaming stations inside. Behind a sectional is an island with a sink. CHASE walks into the kitchen as BRIAN follows. CHASE has a water bottle in his hands and starts filling it up as BRIAN strikes up a conversation.
B- Dude, have you been watching the news?
C- The news is always depressing.
B- No, seriously though. There was a shooting at a school nearby.
C- No shit. Is that the one Kyle works at?
B- No, you are way off! He works over on the other end of town at that elementary school on Clover.
C- Isn’t Clover Street nearby?
As the conversation continues, CHASE replaces the water bottle with another one that seemed to come out of nowhere. BRIAN isn’t paying attention.
B- No, dude! That’s Clover AVENUE! See, Clover Street is on the west end. Kyle isn’t anywhere near us.
C- Oh, shit. Well, what’s on Clover Avenue?
B- Bro, who knows?
C- I swore when I was jogging the other day that I passed a road that said “clover” something. And there was this big building down it that was all fenced in and everything. I saw that and was like “Yo, that’s where Kyle works!”. I guess it isn’t.
B- Well, shit, now I don’t know. That does sound like an elementary school. Did you see any kids?
CHASE switches water bottles, filling up a third water bottle.
C- I saw buses outside.
B- Well, damn, maybe that is the elementary school. That was so close to our place, dude!
C- I hope Kyle is ok.
B- Well, you know Kyle. He has one of them drones that stay still in the air by themselves. He’d probably have a gun at home or something.
C- Bro, He better. If I was a teacher in a school, I’d be terrified without a gun.
B (as CHASE finishes filling up third bottle)- Bro, you got enough water?
C- Can never have too much water. Begins filling up forth bottle. But, for real, what was the name of the school?
B- Bro, I couldn’t even tell you… but bro why are you filling up so many water bottles.
C- Dude, I drink a lot of water. Switches forth bottle for a fifth bottle, and its dimensions are very small.
B- Ok, for real, dude? This water bottle is tiny. Like for a kid. You don’t need more than one.
C- Dude, what’s the big deal? Swaps fifth small bottle for a gallon jug.
B- Broski, that is your sixth one, and it’s a gallon! You are not drinking all this water today.
C- Bro, what are you talking about? I drink on the water every day!
B- Ok, by why are you filling them all up right now?
C- It’s efficient. Plus, I like lukewarm water.
B- Ok, but how is filling up all six (CHASE switches to a seventh bottle) SEVEN bottles more efficient than just having like one or two?
C- Because I can always keep them all near me and good, filtered lukewarm water is always available.
B- Ok, sure, that sounds like a plausible thing when you aren’t considering that you are carrying seven water bottles.
C- Bro, what is the big deal?
B- Dude, are you sure you didn’t shoot up the school?
C- What the fuck, dude!
B- Seriously? This is insane. CHASE fills up another bottle. Are you serious right now?
C- Bro shut up.
B- Honestly, if you did shoot up the school, it makes sense. Like you gonna fill up all this water then go run and hide while the law busts through this door with a warrant!
C- Bro, you are being so funny right now! Laughs as he refills another water bottle and turns on the TV.
B- Bro, how are you not drowning in all this water all the time?
C- Because I breathe air, dude. I drink water.
B- Oh my god, dude.
CHASE motions to the television. It’s talking about the shooting that happened
C- Bro, check it! The news is talking about the shooting.
B- Bro, I already know about the shooting. But like, how are you going to carry all this water?
C- What do you mean?
B- What do you mean “what do you mean?”? Bro, you have been doing nothing but filling water bottles since I’ve been here. Like with what hands are you going to carry these with?
C- With these hands.
CHASE holds his hands up as the water bottle currently being filled gets flooded. CHASE quickly switches it out for another bottle.
B- You cannot be serious. You’re going to carry all of the water bottles out of here all by yourself?
C- Dude, of course. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be filling them.
B- ALL these bottles?
BRIAN motions to the other 10 water bottles on the counter.
C- Yeah, dude. It’s only like 12 water bottles total. Starts filling up the last bottle. See, I’m already on my last one, dude!
B- Ok dude, well good luck!
As BRIAN starts to exit, he focuses on the story on the television. The REPORTER is currently talking about the shooting suspect in custody.
R- … And the students all say that it was middle school teach Kyle Harper who killed 5 of his own students after a fun disruption in the classroom backfired and costed lives. Harper is currently awaiting trial in the Clover Avenue Penitentiary.
B, still watching the TV- Holy shit, dude! KYLE was the school shooter! Also, it’s a JAIL on Clover Avenue, dude! Not a school!
C, now carrying all the water bottles simultaneously- No way, dude. That’s insane.
B- Dude, I can’t believe it.
C- Hey, dude. Think you could put my wallet and that cashier’s check in my pocket for me? My hands are full.
BRIAN looks over at CHASE with all the water bottles in his hands. BRIAN sees CHASE motioning to the wallet at the check on the island.
B- Dude, you are insane.
BRIAN walks over and puts the items into CHASE’s back pocket.
C- Thanks dude. I gotta go put in a favor I owe. I’ll be back.
B- Alright, bro. Whatever you say. Have a good day.
CHASE exits out of the apartment. BRIAN thinks for a second but makes a realization.
B- Bro, are you about to go bail Kyle out of jail?!
BRIAN runs out of the apartment. END.
Appraiser’s Paradise
The scene takes place on an appraise show floor, with a crowd of people all walking around. Several people are walking around with some items on cart, and people are viewing these items. KIM OLIBER is standing near her item, which is an abstract drawing made of color pencil on a notebook piece of paper. BARBARA KLISTER is standing near her item, which is a green ornate vase. LEO HAVERTY is standing near his item, which is an old gun. DAVID GAILER is standing in front of the camera as the host of the show.
David- Thank you for joining us here at Appraiser’s Paradise! If you are new to the program, this is an appraisal show that features items from around the country. We learn about the item from the contestant and then evaluate to determine if the item is WORTH IT or NOT! I’m your host, David Gailer, and let’s get this show on the road! Our first contestant here, Leo Haverty from Mississippi, has an interesting item for us here. Leo, can you describe this item.
Leo- Thank you, Dave.
David- David.
Leo- So, when my grandpap passed away, he left me this 1880 Smithwestern rifle that came was passed down from generation to generation. I’ve done my best to maintain its quality, but I just got a third kid. And I keep telling myself I’m gonna get a bigger home, and hopefully with this item, I’ll be able to finally support me and my kids.
David- What are its features?
Leo- Features?
David- Yeah, features. What makes this unique from others just like it?
Leo- Well, the handle is made of oak wood, the barrel is a timeless steel, and it’s still shoots straight given its age… Brief silence. Other than that, it’s just a normal gun.
David- A normal gun, you say? Well, if that’s all you have to say about your item, I guess we will conclude that your item is NOT WORTH IT!
Leo- Thats so unfortunate.
David- Well, next time, bring a better gun. Onto our next contestant!
DAVID walks with the camera over to KIM.
David- Here we have Kim Oliber from New Hampshire! She has brought over something that might just be worth it! Why don’t you tell the viewers at home just what this item is!
Kim- Certainly, Dave!
David- David.
Kim- So, this piece of artwork showed up inside my home out of nowhere! I had just gotten back from my Waffler House shift and as soon as I stepped through the front door, I felt a presence.
David- Presence?
Kim- Yes! And then, I walked into the living room where the babysitter was with my one-year-old and I couldn’t believe my eyes! On the floor was something I could only describe as a gift from God himself!
David- God himself!?
Kim- I was shocked too! Seeing such a masterpiece on the ground near my son, I knew it had to have been my son who could have created such a piece filled with raw emotion! Just feast your eyes on something only my amazing son could have done!
Silence as KIM looks at the drawing, a tear falls out of her eye.
Kim- Just look at it! Isn’t it amazing!? MY son drew this. It’s so beautiful, I can’t help but cry each time I look into it. It’s like the drawing itself speaks to me.
David- Well, I can’t believe it, folks! A drawing that was created by her son, and it’s a gift from God no doubt! I don’t know what to say. I’m so impressed by this item. Do you have anything to add?
Kim- As soon as I saw the drawing, I knew it needed to be kept safe. Who knows what would’ve happened if I hadn’t put it in a safe, secure location when I did. I’m sure a disaster would’ve occurred! I knew where this piece of art belonged.
David- And where did it belong?
Kim- Right on the fridge! Otherwise, it could’ve have continued to spread joy to everyone who seen it!
David- And the brown smudge in the corner of the drawing is a part of this masterpiece?
Kim- No, actually. It was on the side of the fridge at first, but some whiskey splashed on it, so I immediately moved it to the front where it deserved to be! It doesn’t make it less valuable!
David- Well, there you have it, folks! Kim has told me enough about this item for me to make a decision. And that decision is that this item is worth it! Cheers and light applause can be heard. LEO and BARBARA, with vase in hand, start approaching DAVID. Let’s give Kim the attention she deserves as we move on to our ne…. oh look, here comes out next contestant now! Here we have Barbara Klister from Michigan with an item that would probably break under pressure!
Leo- What the fuck was that all about!
David snaps his fingers and makes a signal as security guards come and start holding LEO out of view of the television.
David- Apologies, ladies and gentlemen! So, Barbara, what do you have for me?
Barbara- Well, this item Dave…
David- David.
Barbara- …came from a Goodwill from around the corner. I just had to buy it because it looks so pretty! And when I heard about this show, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to get it appraised! It’s a really pretty shade of green, and quite heavy! There are some Asian symbols on the bottom, but I don’t know Asian so I couldn’t tell you what it says.
David- So, you brought us a heavy, green vase with Asian words on it that you got from a Goodwill. Any other information?
Barbara- Well, it was $39.99 when I bought it, if that’s any help…
David- So, Barbara, if that is all you have regarding your vase, then I am going to have to make a quick decision and say it’s not worth it!
Barbara- Wait, what did you guys find out?
David- We will come back after this commercial break with even more items to look at in Appraiser’s Paradise!
Barbara, even more aggressive- Wait, what did you guys find out?
David- What do you mean?
Leo, as he struggles with security- Dude, that doesn’t make any sense! You gave a good rating to a kid’s drawing but not to either of our items? What gives?
David- I wasn’t really convinced they were worth anything.
Leo- By who?
David- By you guys?
Leo- What the fuck are you talking about?
Barbara- Did you not have a research team?
David- Why would I need a research team?
Barbara- To appraise the items correctly, Dave!
David- Ok, seriously, what the fuck is up with that?
Leo- Dude, we are asking the same thing!
David- No, I mean my name is David! But you guys all insist on calling me Dave. Call me by my real name, assholes!
Barbara- Dude, shut the fuck up! You are literally a terrible appraiser if you didn’t do any research on the items, and even worse for considering a child’s drawing “worth it”! Not to mention that you are steering the conversation away from the main point we have!
David- Dude, you all have called me Dave more than once, so I don’t know what you mean by “steering the conversation”. I’m telling you to say my name right!
Leo- So, why didn’t you research our items, “David”.
David- First off, fuck you, don’t say it that way. Second off, because this is an appraiser’s paradise!
Leo- What does having a bunch of items around for you to appraise have anything to do with you not researching them?
David- Holy fuck, is that what you assumed?
Barbara- Well, if this show is anything like Antiques Roadshow, I thought that what the title meant too…
David- Did you not read the terms and conditions we sent?
Leo and Barbara both shake their heads no in a very slight way
David- So, the show is supposed to be an appraiser’s paradise, meaning that when we see these items, all the information we need to appraise it is presented immediately.
Leo- So, you expected us to research our own items and then bring them to you to finalize the appraisal?
David shakes his yes confidentially.
Leo- That’s fuckin’ stupid.
David- Well, I can’t help that you can’t read.
Barbara- Ok, so we didn’t do deep dive research into these items. I’ll take the “L” on that. But why is this children’s drawing “worth it”?
David- What do you mean? You didn’t hear what the woman was saying!? It’s a masterpiece!
Leo- Dude, you got to be fuckin her.
Barbara- So, basically, we could’ve come up with some stupid ass story about these items, and if they sound impressive, they would’ve been “worth it”? What kind of fucked up shit is that dude?
David- Wait, are you saying you guys lied about your items? Well, that means they are definitely not worth it!
Barbara- Holy fuck, you totally didn’t hear me.
Leo- I didn’t make up shit about my gun!
Barbara- Dude, shut up! Smithwestern isn’t even a real name of a gun!
Leo- Yes it is, you bitch!
Barbara- No it isn’t, you dumb fuck! It’s Smith and Wesson you were thinking about!
LEO looks at the ground in defeat and silence
Barbara, talking to David- Also, I’m pretty sure my vase is made of jade, you piece of shit!
David- Well, you should’ve said that earlier! Too late now! David does another snap of his fingers and motions at both BARBARA and LEO as he makes additional gestures. Guards, get these troublemakers out of my showroom! Damn, now before we continue to shoot, I need to shit. That was super stressful!
David starts walking away in one direction as the guards take LEO and BARBARA away. END.
Combo Off!
The scene takes place in a garage, with a gaming table in the center. There is a fridge off to the side opposite of the door that enters the building. Sitting at the table are 5 people playing Magic the Gathering. STEPHANIE is sitting next to her boyfriend GAVIN, with LEE and HALEY sitting opposite them and MARVIN sitting at the end of the table. Each one has their own magic deck that is unique. As they continue playing, MARVIN plays a card that ends the game.
M- So, I pay a blue and a green to tap Alchemist’s Refuge, which allows me to cast cards at instant speed. Then, I tap 2 green for Earthcraft. Any responses?
Everyone at the table starts combing through their hands, slowly shaking their heads no.
M- Well, in that case, with Squirrel Nest already attached to a land, I have a combo to create a bazillion one-one squirrels. Then, my turn will start, and I’ll throw all these squirrels out to attack each of you.
S- Damn. Welp, that’s another win for Marvin. We want to play another round?
H- I’m down! I’m still hoping that this deck I just built pops off!
Everyone agrees and starts playing another game. A montage of the game unfolds, showing how noticeably stressed HALEY is throughout and it gets around to LEE.
L- Ok, so I attach Freed from the Real on my commander, Zaxara, which allows me to have infinite mana.
H- Damn, another infinite so soon! We are in the 5th round…
L- Any responses?
Everyone shakes their heads no
L– Well then, I’ll use the infinite mana to play Torment of Hellfire, which slams into everyone’s face, and I win!
G- Damn. Well, so far me, Lee and Marvin have won tonight. That’s pretty decent, I think…
H- Damn it! I was really hoping my deck would pop off…
M- Well, I’m up for another game! It’s only 6 P.M. We have plenty of games to play!
S- I know me and Gavin will be here until around 10.
H- Same. I have work tomorrow.
L- Well, I can play maybe one more game, but I have work at 6 in the morning.
Everyone starts playing a new round. A montage unfolds, spanning several games, showing off each player concentrating and playing. Each time someone wins, its shows on everyone’s faces, but HALEY doesn’t win a single match that night. Each time the camera is on her, she looks upset, stressed, angry, and each time someone wins, it shows her being heartbroken as the montage continues. At some point, HALEY throws her dice bag at GAVIN in anger. LEE leaves early, but the other four keep playing until around 11:30 PM.
G (hand holding his face)- Well, tonight, everyone won at least two matches. Except for Haley.
H- No need to rub it in, Gav.
S- Hey, don’t be mad at him. You shouldn’t be mad at all! You just build that deck, so it sometimes takes some time to get use to it.
M- Yea, I agree. Starts packing his stuff. Hey, it’s getting kinda late, so I’m going to wrap up
GAVIN and STEPHANIE agree. HALEY looks remorseful.
H- You guys sure you can’t stay for one more game? I know I said I would leave earlier, but I just really want my deck to pop off…
GAVIN winces in pain
G- Yeah, I think I need to head home. Kinda got an injury to attend.
M- Yeah, jeez Haley, why you so salty about him countering your Darksteel Plate? I mean, it’s a good card, but it’s not game ending…
H- It’s one of my combo pieces! I actually had one out, and I was so excited! Sorry, Gav…
GAVIN winces in pain again.
G- No, it’s ok. We all can get aggressive sometimes. But, I honestly was just countering it because I needed a cast for the turn for Academy Wall. Was trying to fish for my winning piece.
S- Well, Haley, you can’t win them all. Maybe next time, we’ll be able to see the deck put in some work!
M- I mean, if you want, you can show me the combo Haley. It seems interesting since you are in mono-red.
H- Ok, sure! You guys gonna stay for a second?
S- I don’t see why not? It shouldn’t take that long, should it?
As HALEY starts disassembling her deck to explain the combo, a montage occurs. It shows just how excited HALEY is to talk about it, while also panning to everyone else. As the montage continues, everyone Except Haley is getting more and more tired, even snoozing at certain point in the explanation.
H, looking down at her cards- … and all that damage that is done to me goes to my creature because of Pariah’s Shield, and the creature would be indestructible, and with Blazing Sunsteel I can send all that damage to each person, which gives me the win!
At the end of her explanation, her voice spiked which wakes everyone up.
S- Oh, Haley won? Go Haley!
H- What? No, I was just explain…
G- Oh, what a night guys! It’s super late, so we’ll see each other next week!
Everyone starts packing up and leaving, Haley doing it begrudgingly. END
Paper Trail
EXT. SHOPPING PLAZA PARKING LOT – MID-AFTERNOON.
WEATHER – WINDY
The parking lot is quite empty, with a minimal crowd walking from shop to shop. Two cars pull up near each other about the same time. CHRIS JONES and LACY THOMAS exit their cars at the same time, but CHRIS rushes over to her car and meets her outside her car door.
CHRIS
(panting slightly)
Hey
LACY
(jokingly)
Hey. You out of breath running so far over?
CHRIS
(less but still panting)
No, it’s just really hot outside and there isn’t any AC in my car.
LACY
(concerned but disinterested)
Ooookk. Well, do you have the papers?
CHRIS
I have the papers. You wanna look over them real quick?
LACY
Yeah, I guess I should. Be kinda irresponsible if I didn’t, in case you tried to screw me over.
CHRIS
(struggling and biding time)
Yeah, I guess you are right. Lemme just get them out of here real quick and now that I’ve opened the briefcase and looked through all of my paperwork they should be right in the pocket that I just got to aaannnd there!
CHRIS hands a stack of papers to LACY from his briefcase, unorganized and in complete disarray. LACY tries her best to grab the papers as they are wadded up but struggles to grasp them all and some slip up onto the ground.
CHRIS
(Lunges for the papers untimely)
Oh, let me get those.
As CHRIS goes to grab the papers off the ground, the wind picks up and causes the papers to fly off
LACY
(frustrated)
Dude, are you serious? This is the same kind of shit that I’m tired of dealing with.
As LACY starts speaking, CHRIS is rushing after the papers, finally grabbing them without problems and slowly walking back to LACY.
CHRIS
(out of breath alittle)
Here you go.
LACY
Dude, I don’t think you are having heat problems, I think you are just overweight.
CHRIS
Oh, here we go.
LACY
(reactive)
And, honestly, I’m tired of having to deal with dirt and grim that keeps popping up everywhere because of your eating habits. A chip here and there in between the couch cushions is ok, but that time I found a broken-up noodle that came from some ramen you ate really was is disgusting.
CHRIS
Yeah, well, you were fucking other guys.
LACY looks like she was about to say something but bites her tongue and starts looking through the papers. As she looks through the papers and organizes them, some more fall out from her grasp and get blown in the wind again. CHRIS starts moving towards them.
LACY
(holding hand up and walking top papers)
No, don’t worry about these, big guy. You need your rest. God forbid you passed out exhausted driving home.
As LACY goes to get the papers, the wind picks up again and causes the papers to fly further from LACY as they all spread out and move in all sorts of directions
LACY
(desperately chasing a paper down)
God fucking damnit, this wind is pissing me off.
CHRIS
(watches events and yells)
Want me to help you grab them?
LACY
(begrudgeingly yells)
Yes, thank you.
MONTAGE
LACY chasing down one of the pieces of paper across the parking lot
CHRIS picking up some pages near the store
LACY picking up a piece of paper on the ground, but it isn’t the same paper. After realizing, she looks up and sees the paper that is hers, but as she goes for it, the wind brushes it further from her.
CHRIS chasing down two pages, but they get blown over a wall separating the nearby housing complex from the shopping plaza
LACY running after a page as it continues to fly in the wind
CHRIS knocking on homeowners’ doors, with a HOMEOWNER opening the door with a gun pointed at CHRIS and CHRIS panics
LACY getting exhausted as she continues to chase the paper
CHRIS holding a paper in his hands, shaken hands nervously with HOMEOWN while they still hold a gun
LACY finally grabs her page and holds it out in success
CHRIS finding the other page in the middle of the street, almost gets hit by a car grabbing it
END MONTAGE
CHRIS climbs back over the wall into the shopping plaza and meets with LACY by the cars.
CHRIS
(red in face, exhausted, dizzy)
Hey hey, here. I got all the pages. (Breaths heavily) Ar..are there any missing?
LACY
(hiding exhaustion and deception)
Dude, fuck you. You could’ve stapled these fucking pages together before any of this happened. Like 20 or so pages I had to pick up. Prick.
CHRIS
Well, let me just see if there are all here
LACY and CHRIS compile their pages together to validate all the pages.
LACY
Looks like they are all here. So, I guess we should get this show on the road.
CHRIS
Well, you said you were going to read through them..
LACY
Oh, I guess I did. Lemme see here
LACY quickly scans the documents for information, finds something astonishing and reacts
LACY
The fuck!? 30%? You’ve got to be out of your damn mind!
CHRIS
Well, I figured since I was handling the finances of everything from the beginning…
LACY
That doesn’t mean you get 30% of my Onlyfans business, you fucking idiot! What do you do, fucking math? I handle the fucking social media, the fucking hiring of a ghost chat person for the DMs, the fucking advertising, the FUCKING, Chris.
CHRIS
Yeah, and if it weren’t for me, one- you wouldn’t have ever paid your dues to Uncle Sam because you don’t know how that shit works and two- you wouldn’t have a slam dunk of an investment portfolio if it wasn’t for me!
LACY
(seething)
Well, you know what, Chris? One- I know how to pay fucking taxes! And two- you can have the damn portfolio!
CHRIS
(confused)
You want me to have the 2.5-million-dollar portfolio I built for you? I mean, I’ll take it, but I figured it was fairer to get 30% of the whole company, but hey if you insist, I’ll have a lawyer rewrite the papers!
LACY
(pondering)
Well, I don’t think the portfolio is something you need. 30% isn’t too bad if you decide to keep working for me even after all this…. (silence, LACY in deep thought) How about we talk it over together, with a arbitrary present? I think that would be smart.
CHRIS
Sure, that’s a good idea. I’ll try to find one for later this week.
LACY
(handling the papers to hand back)
Ok cool. Well, grab these and we’ll reconvene later.
As LACY goes to give the stack, now completely unorganized again after being ruffled through, some of the papers go flying off in the wind
CHRIS/LACY
Fuck.
END.
Damon Leif 