I have such a fragile bitch little ego. He can’t handle losing at a goddamn board game so much that it ruined his entire day. His friends all got to feel good just hanging out with each other. But nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I HAVE to feel awful for losing and LITERALLY CANNOT ABSORB POSITIVITY about the fact that I was among friends.

why do i not care enough about people to feel good around them?

Why doesn’t just socializing with people bring me joy?

Why am I so ashamed at everything I am not?

Why can’t I unsheath myself and live?

like a sword never sharp enough to cut

or a pen that can’t place ink without skipping through a cursive T

Antidepressants didn’t help. They made me unaware and unfeeling.

weed doesn’t help. It helps me feel and empathize at the cost of my sanity and presence

drinking doesn’t help. It makes me sad

Working out doesn’t help. It only makes me feel more shame and tired.

Everything I do is ego driven. Everything I AM is ego.

I’ve been meditating for almost 3 years. I don’t want to stop but it isn’t a end all be all

I am so angry and tired and a third emotion I cannot place.

All I know is that it hurts.

I just wish I didn’t hurt myself so much like this.

wish I just felt loved and accepted instead

Instead I am making a post on my website at a desperate attempt for dopamine. The people who will like it will all be bots. And it might make me feel better.