I will probably be asking myself this question for the rest of my life. The reason why I probably feel so alien to others and so isolated around others is that I don’t know what I want. For myself, that is. I could probably think of a lot of material things or immediate experiences that I want. I want to not have fat on my body. I want to be enjoyable to be around. I want a lot of money. However, I never really had much of a yearning to learn really anything unless the thing is something that affects people in mass enough to learn. Like politics. Politics is something that even the average person has to understand so they can be an informed voter. But none of the policies either way really don’t affect me at all. I work a base wage contract job while renting a condo in an economy that basically is set up for you to go into debt before you can every make enough money to live. I know all these things, but I still feel stupid and slow and behind and without cause or purpose.

I often think and reminisce to a moment, a VERY brief moment, where I truly felt like I had purpose. And I cry thinking about it, that time in my life. I cry because I failed miserably to understand others over myself and no one wanted anything to do with me because of it. I cry because I truly feel like I tried to connect to people and my attempts of true connection scared people away. The whys of my pasts mistakes lead me into a corner and now I don’t know how to act like myself anymore. I don’t want to leave the corner because at least here in the corner I can actually exist with others. No one really cares about me still, but at least I’m tolerated. Someone recently posted something on Instagram saying “you should do whatever you want regardless of what other people think or feel”. But even at 31 I am still confused about what that means. Everything in life requires other people. Maybe not this blog, since no one is reading it. So maybe that is what he meant? But I am here trying to figure out what I want. Maybe this is all I want to do. Just write forever. It never resonating with people, it never giving myself a chance to grow and connect with others. At least I’m doing what I want?

But all I want is connection. I want my family to actually want to talk with me in conversation and not at me. I want them to think of me in moments of stillness and just go out of their way to fill that stillness with my presence, and just ask me questions about my life and care. I want everyone to do that with me. I feel like I am either talking about myself with no one listening or asking someone a bunch of questions that leads me exhausted because that energy isn’t being reciprocated. Others seem to have a sort of eb and flow in their conversations, that showcase a deep care and connection with one another. I have those moments as well, but it isn’t consistent and oftentimes leads people to wonder if I really care about them at all. I do. I try really, really hard I feel like to showcase that. Once I am dead, I wonder if that will be reflected.

What have I done in my life, truly, that led to this great silence I am surrounded by? As I write this, all I hear is the chirping of the birds outside, the clicking of my keyboard as type, the ceiling fan rotating endlessly. Maybe I should always want to listen to music? I feel like a lot of times when I listen to music, I am not really hearing it. If I am not really hearing it, do I really want to listen to it? It is the same with books, with shows and even in conversations with people. Just yesterday I was the group I play magic with and the conversations they have with each other is endless. And I sit there in dead silence trying to ask questions and talk about myself to uninterested people. And the moment I was actually able to get through to someone and hear them talking about themself? I completely zoned out, getting overwhelmed by all the conversation around me and the music and I kept trying to hear but I was unable to. Maybe they should’ve been louder, or maybe I need hearing aids? Or perhaps I just didn’t want to listen.

I’m spiraling, finding something to latch onto so I can stay stable, sane and present. But I can’t help but feel like that last sentence isn’t true. I do care and I do want to listen. I just can’t hear sometimes. Some voices, loud and performative usually are easier to listen to, But softer voices, different dialects or just noises surrounding someone as they speak makes it hard for me to concentrate. I should probably track is this is while I am sober or high or both. I feel it is both, that it comes and goes and I can be super present and aware and high and be completely distant and devoid of interest and be sober. Sometimes getting higher HELPS me concentrate more. Sometimes it doesn’t, thou. Really depends on a lot of factors. Maybe I am just a stupid fucking stoner who needs to sober up and get healthy so I can have a better understanding of myself and be the person I used to be. But, on the flip side, I have never in my life been as empathetic than I have been now in my life. And I feel it only really comes out when I am high.

My therapist hints that my weed use is unhealthy behavior. She might be right, but I was unbearable when I was sober and not on any drugs. At least now on SOME days I can tell I am tolerable and enjoyable to be around. It just isn’t consistent is all. If all I want is connection, I have connection in my life on some days, which is more than before when it always felt like no days. Maybe I connected with more people than I realize? Well, if that were true, I wouldn’t be sitting here in silence. I believe that if I actually mattered to the people of my past and present, they would reach out to me more. Knowing that isn’t happening is on me and I just wish there was a switch and boom, I would be different. I want to be a different person. I want someone to love myself unconditionally. I want to be present, always. I want to live in joy, not fear or sadness.

Maybe I will one day. I don’t think it’ll happen in the phase of my life that doesn’t know what I want. Thank you for reading and I hope you have a good day.- DL